Pet Failures of the Demigod Gang
by toSempiternity
Summary: Pelicans that like to poop and eat people. Tutus? Nuh-uh. It didn't make anything better. Egg fights just drive Thalia completely nuts. The gods start liking the phrase "HOLY MACARONI". Hard to believe that Bob started this all...


**WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY INCLUDES SOME... um, how should I put it... well, if you LOVE Percy Jackson (the character) and don't enjoy fanfictions that depict him making a fool of himself, PLEASE DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING. He does some really _stupid_ things in HERE and the FOLLOWING CHAPTERS. Decide, actually, for yourself if he does stupid stuff in here, but trust me, he's DEFINITELY going to do some disturbing and dumb stuff in the next chapter.**

**I am doing two pets for each character, with some chapters that describe fights between campers caused by the demigods' supposed "pets".  
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><p><span>Bob the Pelican<span>

Percy

It's very funny how a few pets can cause a complete disaster. A lot of the "pets" did really _nasty_ and vulgar things to us demigods. (Don't tell her I said this, but I think that one of Annabeth's "pets" drove Thalia insane for over a month.) How about beginning with the pelican that began this all?

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><p>It was, as usual, an awesome day at Camp Half-Blood. The scent of strawberries hung heavily in the heat. Dionysus was griping at the satyrs. He was in a fouler mood than he usually was. (Chiron had beaten him in pinochle for the hundredth time in the row this morning.) And we obviously can't forget the lovely monsters that were howling in the woods. But the spectacle that morning day at camp was…me. I was screaming:<p>

"I got it! I finally got it!"

People uncertainly glanced at my general direction. One of the Hermes cabin members asked, "What _is_ that?"

Bob the pelican indignantly squawked at the "offender".

"It's a pelican," I brightly said. "Isn't that awesome?"

Drew quickly backed away. "Eeew! Keep that nasty lice-infested thing away from me! It's going to ruin my new hairstyle! Keep it away!"

"Oh, yes," somebody else drawled, "it's the end of the world. The freaking pelican will totally cause 2010 to com early. And the 'thing', Drew, has a name. It's a pelican, according to Percy."

Thalia didn't even bother to look up from that mortal card game "Spit" in which she was challenging Annabeth to.

My eyes got dizzy by just looking at their hands (which were a blur) and their rapidly diminishing amount of cards.

"Percy," Annabeth addressed me with her eyes still glued to the cards, "I don't always understand your motives and this one is leaving me with question marks hovering about my head. What exactly do you want with a bedraggled pelican?"

Before I could answer, Annabeth interrupted me. "Hey! That's unfair! I was asking Percy a question!"

Thalia frowned. "I was sort of talking to Drew before!"

"That was _before_ you had one card left!" Annabeth fumed.

"But you were still paying attention!" Thalia argued. "Your eyes might as well be super glued to the smaller pile!"

Annabeth snapped, "Percy distracted me!"

"Be that was it may be, I slapped the pile first!"

"But—"

"You are still winning," Thalia pointed out.

Annabeth relented and allowed Thalia to take the pile. I caught her grumbling as she took the larger pile.

Shuffling her cards, I'm pretty sure that Annabeth blocked me out as she started dealing herself the cards.

I found it—_it_ meaning the pelican—on the beach!" I protested.  
>"Do you think that I could bear the fact that I'm letting a half-dead seabird die?"<p>

"And I couldn't let a beetle get squished," Thalia snorted.

Annabeth muttered something that was too soft to be heard under her breath. I was fairly sure it wasn't a compliment.

*_SLAP_*.

"Ha!" Annabeth yelled to a scowling Thalia.

Bob squawked again.

"What did you name it?" Thalia asked, turning her line of sight towards me.

"Bob," I promptly said.

Thalia opened her mouth. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Then closed it. A strangled sound emerged from her vocal chords.

"Bob?" Drew asked.

"Bob?" Piper questioned.

"Bob?" Leo blinked.

"Bob?" Annabeth frowned.

"What's wrong?" I complained. "The name 'Bob' is a perfectly fine name for a pelican."

Everybody looked skeptically at me, like _Really, Seaweed Brain?_

"It's too…" Piper though for a moment. "Strange."

"Cannibalistic," Annabeth offered. Seeing the look on my face, she mouthed, _Joe Bob the cannibal?_

"What are you planning to do with that pelican?" Thalia asked. "Put it as a leader of a gang of pelicans that are all named 'Bob the Second, Bob the Third, Bob the Fourth…'"

I thought about that. "Well, that actually isn't a bad idea, but I'm not going to do it. And I'm naming it 'Bob' and that's final."

"Do it your way," Annabeth said, shrugging.

Thalia shot to her feet. "No! I want a rematch!"

"Fine!" Annabeth agreed. She started shuffling the deck.

Bob hopped off my shoulder and calmly ruffled his feathers. That, in no way, prepared me for what he did next. He waddled next to my feet and went to the bathroom right on my shoes.

Drew screamed and scampered away. Piper, rolling her eyes in disgust, yelled at the rapidly retreating figure, "You forgot your lipstick and cherry-flavored lip gloss!"

And under her breath, she added, "Not to mention your whole wardrobe and two Prada bags, a Juicy Couture bag, and your favorite Coach handbag."

"Sit! Sit, Bob!"

Thalia was rolling on the ground, smearing herself grass-green. She was turning some interesting shades of purple, blue, red, and orange due to the lack of oxygen. Annabeth sat nearby, impatiently waiting for Thalia to set up her cards.

"Um…let's go to the showers," I suggested, Trying to ignore the white poop and the warm liquid that was soaking into my socks and sneakers, I hastily headed for the showers, lugging Bob along with me.

Turning on the warm spray of water with my clothes still on, I sighed in relief as the waste got flushed down the drain. Tossing my Nike sneakers out of the shower, I scrubbed my socks thoroughly. At least I was doing my laundry tomorrow.

Bob seemed pretty happy to be in water as well. He splashed around the floor, spraying up tiny droplets of water and honking. He started to preen himself.

"Fun's over," I said after five minutes of this. I scooped up Bob. "Let's get you back—"

_Gulp_.

The next thing I comprehended was darkness. Utter blackness. It smelled really bad, and I decided that whatever place I was sucked into, it would _not _make my Top 10 Places to Live list.

It reeked of a 2-year-old-rotten-fish-that-has-been-dragged-through-a-Dumpster-for-a-week-straight smell. It sort of smelled like… egad, was that _bird vomit?_

And of course, I did the natural thing, which was to freak out. How did Bob _throw up_ on me, huh? I saved him from a certain death, and he rewards me by throwing up on me?

But something was not quite rights with that whole picture. I tentatively nudged the air and got my hand seared by acid. That was when I realized that my socks had been completely dissolved and I was floating in a lethal lake of this yellowish pool of bubbly acid.

I thought that hydrofluoric acid was clear…

Apparently, my powers over liquid did not extend to bird stomach acid, and my legs and arms and feet were bright red and smoking. Before I could scream, some hard objects bonked me on the head. Now, alongside with a bald patch on my head, I had a good sized bruise there as well.

A couple of gray rocks splashed into the seething acid, bringing up a half-digested/dissolved fish. It was absolutely putrid. I plugged my nose and pounded on the stomach wall, trying to ignore the searing pain of the annoying, strangely yellow acid.

Then, miraculously, I saw bright sunlight and Bob expelled me out (I think that I didn't taste too good)—right at a tapping shoe that suspiciously looked like Annabeth's sneakers.

"Did Bob just…" I groaned, gulping in the fresh air.

"You smell terrible," Annabeth scowled. "So much for '_Oh, I can't _bear_ to let a half-dead seabird die!_'"

I scowled back. "Yeah, I don't smell bad because I have been touched by a dozen rotten fish and I had a nice little pool party that was spent swimming in a lovely stinking pool of pelican stomach acid that happened to be a sickly shade of yellow."

"You're overdoing the description," Annabeth muttered. "And we need to do something about that bald patch. It sticks out like the Sahara Desert in the Pacific Ocean.

"Thanks," I said, more acidly than Bob's stomach acid was."I really appreciated that comment."

Bob made this whining noise at the back of his throat and regurgitated a bunch of half-digested fish.

"Disgusting," I agreed. "You were right."

"Does that mean you're getting rid of the pelican?" Annabeth asked a hopeful light in her eyes.

I wickedly grinned, and then spat out the acid. "First, I have a score to settle with Hazel. Um…can you get Thalia for me?"

Annabeth frowned slightly, but jogged towards the Artemis cabin. I heard her knocking loudly.

After a minute, Thalia appeared, tired and grumpy. "Make it quick."

Annabeth snorted. "Quick? He wants to drag you across the USA."

Thalia sighed. "I take that you want to go to the Legion Camp?"

"Top of the class!" I beamed so broadly that my smile could have split a banana.

Annabeth said, "You look as if you're about to—GAH!"

Bob the pelican burped.

"Bob!" me and Thalia both exasperatedly yelled.

I slapped the pelican on the back. "Bob, _spit my friend out this _instant!"

Bob gurgled and Annabeth appeared, coughing and looking as if she had been dunked into a five billion gallons of boiling—not, lava hot water.

Thalia offered me a padlock. I quizzically looked at her. She rolled her eyes and tossed it over her head. It landed with a _thunk_.

Annabeth ran (more like stumbled) to take a shower.

"This is about Hazel, isn't it?" Thalia grumped. "Why are you lugging me into this? The only reason I'm even _going _to the Legion Camp is because—"

"I need your lightning," I simply answered.

Thalia raised an eyebrow. "Sure. Why not?"

I blinked. That was easier than I expected.

And then, Thalia pointed at me. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground, and there was a metallic taste in my mouth with a huge smoking crater behind me.

Seeing the expression on my face, Thalia tiredly said, "You did ask me for my lightning."

Trying t ignore the wisps of smoke that was curling off my shirt, I said calmly, "Can we _please_ go to _Castra Romana_?"

Thalia groaned. "Get Jason!" I can't fly, Fish Face!"

"But I need you," I persisted.

"Why is that?" Thalia started nodding off.

"Wake up!" I yelled.

Growling in frustration, Thalia snapped, "If you stop pestering me and let me sleep, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE FREAKING CAMP WITH ME TOMORROW!"

Seeing that I was about to argue, she added, "It's either that or I don't go with you all!"

I stomped away to get a shower again, scooping up Bob with me, who was now innocently gurgling. Because if I left him there, the next thing I knew, Bob probably would've gulped down Thalia (and possibly the whole camp) and I would never get my revenge on Hazel.

Now wanting to bother with the process of showering, I JUMPED INTO THE Long Island Sound and willed myself to get wet. I walked out, dripping with water and making little pools of liquid in the sand.

Bob the pelican suddenly screeched and started wildly winging his way towards the cabins. Or more accurately, the Aphrodite cabin.

"No!" I yelled, tripping after Bob. "Get back here, you pesky pelican!"

"Look who is talking now," Thalia murmured as I dashed past the Artemis cabin.

Bob flew into an open window in the Aphrodite cabin. I moaned; Drew would never forgive me.

A tense minute passed. Then two. I was starting to think that one of the Aphrodite campers had hopefully knocked Bob out with Givenchy perfume (something or the other) when the screaming started.

Drew ran out first, tottering away on Jimmy Choo flip-flops. Bob went screaming after her, opening his beak and clacking it. That pelican really was demented.

Piper stomped out of the cabin. "Oh my gods, Drew, it's a pelican that just happens to eat people and spit them back up!"

Drew screamed back, "Would you like to be swallowed by that ugly and dirty bird?"

She screamed again as Bob angrily screeched like an eagle. I didn't even know pelicans could make that noise.

"Bob!" I snapped. "Stop chasing her at once!"

Bob flew over my head and promptly went to the bathroom—again. Except that this time, the waste was on my face.

I dunked my head in the lake and started chasing Bob around. "Jason!" I desperately called.

Jason poked his head from where he was examining his sister's tree. "Yeah?"

"Can you grab that pelican that's chasing after Drew?"

Jason jogged over and whispered in my ear, "Personally, I would just leave her like that."

"You don't sound like Jason," I said.

"Ask Thalia."

She is…" I faltered.

"Scared of heights, I know," Jason chuckled. "She snapped that to me herself. Ask her to try. I think that I saw something interesting on the Golden Fleece."

"Great help you've been," I called sarcastically. Jason waved.

"She's already grumpy with me!" I yelled as I stopped five feet away from the Artemis cabin. Artemis decreed that if any boy—mortal, demigod, monster, god, whatnot—stepped within five feet of her cabin, she would turn them into a jackalope. Well, except for some really in-great-need cases. I wasn't sure if my current perilous situation would count (I seriously doubted that it did) but I supposed that I could get Annabeth again… just to be safe.

It was just my luck that Thalia slouched out of the Artemis cabin. Muttering something about Reyna under her breath, she brushed past me without so much as a glance.

She stopped and grabbed the nearest camper she could see. The camper flinched.

"Where's Percy?" she asked.

"Y-you just went r-r-right p-past him," the unfortunate camper stammered.

Thalia said, "I don't bite!" and then turned towards me.

"Change of plans," she muttered in my ear. She ducked as Bob swooped above her. "We're leaving."

"But I need Bob!"

"As soon as we get that mentally-distorted llama," Thalia said. "And the pelican."

"Mentally-distorted llama?" I winced. "Is that some sort of llama that throws crazy fits of temper tantrums?"

"Nope." Thalia grimaced. "Well, best to get going."

"Get Bob for me, will you?"

"I can't fly, Percy!" Thalia scowled.

"Try to!" I pleaded.

Thalia snorted. "You're crazy. "I'll jump."

"You can't jump that high!" I exasperatedly said.

Thalia muttered, "You should study your supposed 'pet' more often."

"What?" I scowled Thalia jumped as Bob swooped down on her.

"See?" Thalia indicated to the pelican she had by his feet.

I rushed towards him and Thalia dropped him into my arms. Holding the struggling and squawking Bob, I asked, "Now what is this mental—?"

Thalia flinched and pointed towards a human-llama mutant that was chasing Drew.

"Heeeelp!" Drew squealed. "Get the… the… the… Jason clone/llama hybrid away from me! Mitchell? Lacy? Aaron? _Anybody_? PIPER!"

"Jason clone?" I quizzically asked.

"Don't ask," Thalia muttered. She ran after Jason the Llama.

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><p><strong>Excuse the grammar and spelling mistakes, I usually am not this bad with spelling and grammar (seriously, I'm a spellinggrammar Nazi). I was typing real fast (was on a time limit of five minutes... shoot). And I'm warning you, I post reallllllly slowly. Sorry!**


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